Old people and cars [05.12.04]
By Steve Henry
If everyone shared Jeremy Clarkson's view of transport, the polar icecaps would melt by Christmas. But Doncaster's most famous permed-haired broadcaster does make some rather valid points.
One of my favourites is about bus lanes. "Why do poor people get to go where they're going faster than I do?" he supined in all seriousness. Quite.
But a high horse he has yet to mount, and the one facet of daily life that renders me livid, is old people and driving.
The Office for National Statistics churns out mountains of “ingrowing toenails cost the UK £35 billion” type reports, however they’ve yet to apply their analytical skills and cash to this growing problem.
I’d love to know the impact that just one dodderer doing 19 mph in his Rover 75 at 7.50am has on the local economy over the course of a year. Pootling along with Gladys at his side, you can be sure he’s oblivious to the stream of seething commuters snaking behind him, each one praying for a break in the oncoming traffic, absent-mindedly grazing on Rennies to keep the bile down. I’d wager it’s around several thousand working hours and at least a couple of premature strokes. And still no government quango has managed secure a chunk of funding to mount a campaign against it.
As you’d expect, the deterioration of these old boys’ driving skills mirrors the overall decline of their physical selves. This makes it fairly easy to ascertain their age from behind, aside from the flat cap. An 80 year old will be driving with less regard for other road users than, say, a 65 year old.
The outlook is a gloomy one, too. By 2030, over three quarters of the UK population will be over the age of 90 (probably). Which means that our roads will soon be clogged with more coffin-dodgers on their way to Sainsbury’s than ever - pushing up average commuting times for the few remaining workers to six hours a day.
Without wanting to sound alarmist, Something Needs To Be Done. One solution would be to impose a daily Old Person’s Congestion Charge. A similar, more general principle did the trick in London, and it would surely work wonders in our towns and suburbs too. The buggers might think twice about driving to the library in rush hour - or taking the car for a “run” - if they knew it’d cost them the equivalent of a month’s supply of Werthers Originals.
Alternatively, we could take the less Draconian route and impose limits on when they were allowed to drive. Monday to Friday, 10am - 4am plus all weekend should be enough to keep them out of the way at peak times. This would have the added bonus of providing more structure to their lives, and let’s face it, most of them would love it. Come 9.45am, they’d be sitting on their drives with their car coats on, revving the hell out of their washed-and-polished motors in anticipation of making it onto the road before Bert and Eunice down the road. It’d make queuing outside the Post Office early on pension day look positively pedestrian.
But maybe we’ll have to do nothing. If the threatened pensions crisis comes true, owning a car in retirement will be a luxury that most of us will never afford. Greenpeace and the government’s car-dependence reduction squad will be happy. Then all we’ll have to worry about is arthritis-bound OAPs clogging up the country’s cycle lanes on ageing mountain bikes.
Getting to work late or seeing hordes of old folk in luminous spandex - I’m not sure which is worse.
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